FIRST POST JUNE 2017

“We’re taking these lovely pastries back to the room” said the two girls from Exeter. “We can’t get enough!”

Well now, Dearest of Readers, The End is in fact Nigh. The Players from The First Act have already stated their case for Infamous Inclusion in my Travelicious Tales. For instance, The Lovely Daniel (wine waiter, fledgling Croatian Actor, Britannia Restaurant, QM2) is pleased to re-meet myself, and for the first time my final travel companion, The Nurse. Captain Jolly Hockey Sticks Christopher is still here, and Ents Director “Each and Every” Hi-di-Hi Jo has stuck it out, and remains deliciously-ah awful-luh. Sunsets? Tick. Finest of Dining. Tick. Loads of Brits. Tick. No mentions so far of Timmy Trump and Terry May. Plenty of Line Dancing and Quoits on deck though.
Nurse loves the lemonade: “Best so far”. The Planetarium and Karaoke loom large on his...

FIRST POSTED: MAY 2017

Betwixt the Interim 5:1 (My Last Legs): West Side Stories

I sneezed, that’s what I did, I sneezed. And THREE people almost simultaneously all said “Bless You’’. Outside the Bloomingdales/Westfield Shopping Maul (sic) in Market Street, San Francisco. Because, that’s what I’ve been during this journey, blessed, privileged, soon to be broke maybe, but well and truly blessed.

Blessed means currently having spent a couple of weeks on the West Coast of The United States of Trump. I was typing this in “Phil’s Coffee” where, Dear Reader, there are no fewer than 17 types of coffee all with confusing descriptions. I plumped for "Julie’s Ultimate”, which has “slightly intense hazelnut, vanilla and chocolate undertones”, and to accompany for my breakfast, I had a “Turkey Sandwich with cooked egg in an English Muffin”. This all required speaking to FIVE people, having to...

PART ONE: FIRST POST APRIL 2017

Dear dear Reader, for those champing at the Gigabyte for another piece of Rhenal Rhetoric Re Ones Return from the Other Side eventually back to Blighty, well it starts here.

It begins with the morning after the Gin and Tonic’ed and Newcastle Brown’d debut evening aboard the gleaming modern successor to the SS Butlitz, the Shiny Sailing Ship Emerald Princess, or the SSS Bejazzle, for short.

Already it’s good to find on this Pacific Cruise a large contingent from Japan, many no doubt here to see again ‘Pearl Harbor’, who’s such a fine singer with the Bejazzle’s House Band ‘Rumors’. They’ll both soon be doing a charity performance for the ‘Restoration of the Letter U in 21st Century English’ in the ‘Colors’ Bar.

I was asked to share a Supper table with the delightful and gorgeously old Carol and Terry, a Vancouver couple who share my love of Canadian...

FIRST POSTED: APRIL 2017

Dear Reader, should you continue the perverse wish to be mollycoddled into near giggledom by the Continued Japes of A Jaded Travelling Jesterette, read on. Otherwise, there’s a rather bloodthirsty storyline in Casualty involving nitroglycerine and doughnuts that may interest you.

Recapping: Boarded The Queen Mary 2, disembarked or “Got Off” eventually in “Australia”, a former penal colony that means in the original Aboriginal “No Worries”, travelled a bit, marvelled at the geometry of certain Opera Houses and Art Galleries, then departed on the SS Butlitz Resort Ship in a Force 12 Hurricane to New Zealand, a former British Outpost that translates from the original Maori/Scottish/Dutch: “New Sea Land”. Phew.
New Zealand. Land of beauty, mystery and more coach tours than you can shear a sheep at, is now a wholly owned subsidiary of Sir Peter Jackson Ltd, and...

FIRST POSTED MARCH 2017

In which our hero cruises aimlessly in Force 64 Gales before his Final Destination

Bradley Daniels, hardly demure Semi Australian with no fixed attachments, lured me into the Interrogation Suite of a Run Down Re-Opened Synagogue in FitzRoy, a one horse Town Saloon called Vau D'Vile in the almost outer regions of Melbourne. As the makeshift stage’s twenty three million watt bulbs shone into my former eyes, five drag queens and a Literally Green DJ supplied synchronization of lips to Eartha Kitt hits whilst feeding me with ample red meat and warm wine. But I still wouldn’t crack. I had my Myki (google it).

This was the final act in a three week dramatic Production known as So Much Fun in Oz. Australia, a former penal colony, is surprisingly modern, unsurprisingly hot yet remarkably, and genuinely, friendly beautiful and recommended.

They still suffer...

FIRST POST: FEBRUARY 2017

Welcome, from the Executive Dessert Lounge just off the coast of Reunion Island. This is where once healthy puds go for rehabilitation after being transformed into high calorie show and indeed door stoppers, having disobeyed head chef’s orders. Today’s Fried Melon in Leather Sauce for instance can quadruple artery diameter in less than a minute, while the now compulsory Suet Chocolate Delice comes with a Ragout Jus which acts as an antidote to even the most hardy of onboard Air Conditioning viruses with only a whiff of single nostril inhalation.
“Good morning ladies and gentlemen, this is The Captain (our Master with the white slip-ons) with your daily update: the wind speed is 12 knots South-Easterly and the huge vessel on the horizon is a Somali pirate ship about to board and hold the entertainment director to ransom….”
I awoke from this nearly ghastly...

FIRST POST: JANUARY 2017

“Thing is”, said Sue, “thing is, you up for a fag, young man?”. D and I were circumnavigating the deck after downing an entire chilled bottle of Codorniu 1551 (recall the Sitges post Cava Tour shop JP, and Richard?) on our cabin balcony (cabin 5151) in the glorious sun, contemplating the merits of a delicate cucumber finger (D had plumped for the tomato, oh Alan Bennett, you have so much to answer for).

Anyway, we’d decided to Post Bubble by way of allowing me a smoke on Deck Seven, when our first confidante, Sue (and Mum) of Suffolk, but previously Post the Most o’ The Costa Del Crime Marbella style (she remembers the Back End of Mile End too), had offered some outdoor company halting us in our rotational travels.
“Well” I continued, “It’s Different Needs for Different Situations, Sue. Let’s face it, hon” (I’d become a shade less formal after an additional...

We’re back, and off, and running: Betwixt The Interim: 50 Shades of Gravy the archive from Globular Travels 2017 will be our first task here as a permanent record of what went down during what seemed like 20 years on various ships, boats, Ubers and mobility scooters ….