I dunno, Terminal 3 Heathrow is a bit of a let down after recent years of FIVE FIVE FIVE. Still, as a Calcutta Born Brit I STILL feel a shade guilty when a truly delightful Indian perhaps waiter in Business Lounge (or BA Gallery) gets asked by me for champagne and he brings it with bow Bollywallah Style dutifully and happily …well, I’ve paid me Club World Dues, now I’ll drink em …..

This Betwixt is all about LIGHTS WHICH ARE NORTHERN YET WHICH HAVE BEEN VISIBLE IN CORK AND BLACKPOOL ALL FLIPPING YEAR!!!!

First….flight to Oslooooooooo…

Aaah well we’re up skywards and I have beautiful designer tea and two tanquerays so feeling more pacified…..

More gins are just the wee bit of tonic later needed to get this schlep started. Despite my central Oslo hotel being rather bleak, well that’s Nor Way to treat a lady so whilst some US Comedy Election is carrying on, I go to a couple of...

What am I talking about? Why of course, it’s why a cardboard parrot is rammed into a slice of pineapple and shoved on the side of a glass…inside the said container is a strawberry coloured cocktail that simply says FUN FUN FUN. Far be it from me to decry said activity, just a bit “well jel” I’m not as able as I once was….so a few final days of Sea Chairs Sauntering Sunbathing and Supping ain’t been all that bad really….gentle relaxed mostly sober and stuff most people know this Planet Earth would adopt in a matter of microseconds. There’s the wacky iPod touting cabaret street performer, there’s the Central Town Terrace bar manager who served me when he was a child who serves in pyjama bottoms, there’s the friendly £2 a pop cafe bar manager serving delicious fresh mini tapas (PINTXOS I’ve already said. Just LISTEN)….. there’s the sunshine and relaxed vibe….there’s the imminent craziness...

Travelling all by train this trip (for some late summer sun and visits in France natch, Dear Reader), St Pancras at 5.30 am has a lot of grumpy staff. “Take it out”. What, sorry? “Your passport.” I don’t understand. “It’s in a holder” (a sliver of a sleeve actually). Oh, ok. (Sighs ensue and she examines my face at great length as I’m clearly wanted by Interpol in 74 countries for Hermesetas Trafficking).

STAMP. “Next!!”. At least at security they lured me into removing my belt. Oh well.

It’s 6.25 am and my train is about to board. I must say, I’m glad I restarted flying….

Still it’s Standard Premier all the way so I get a free bun…..

MEGALOMANIACAL TAPE PHENOMENON (MTP)

Yup….Stations now employ MTP dictators who can change the queuing route of passengers with a single whoosh.. scary this is but nothing compared with the St Pancras Travelator Operatives who can switch off yer...

One of the glorious things about getting back a-travelling is the necessity to relearn the extensive yoga positions required to purloin some sheets of toilet paper from the BA Business Class khazi.

This therefore dear Readers is my opening gambit en route to Berlin Bran Den Burger airport for 4 days debauchery involving bubbles buddies and boudoirs for my dear pal Berry Bros Edwina. Being 60 enables him to finally say….oh no, I can’t drink ANY more. But I assure all present this will NOT be uttered this extended weekend. Oh no.

THERE MAY BE A BUNCH OF SEKT (no drugs nor rock’n’roll) involved as opposed to masses of Bolly, but well, it still sparkles ….

So back to BA Business Lounge….I asked for a second glass of champagne…the lady at the bar says “you have to ask for it”. Indeed, I just did, for this last glass. “It’s not displayed.” I know, that’s why I’ve asked for it. “So you...

Coney Island eh?

Sooooooooo concerned about my camera shots adding a yellow tint to my face on Coney Island Boardwalk, til I realise it’s mustard from the Nathan’s Hot Dog(s) just devoured……

Back to 4 days left: I’ve just seen the Final Sondheim “Here We Are” and VERY (NOUVEAU) RICHE NEW YORKER humour it is too….hardly any songs in it but some rather dazzling staging in a dazzling new theatre, and a more song-y first half….it won’t be remembered too much methinks… I’ve only just seen it and I can’t remember it…but it had its moments.

Mind you I also saw the abominable waste of time that was Napoleon (in flipping IMAX). Utter garbage. Expensive nonsense. At least Cecil B. De Mille had a great name. Half the cinema was laughing at the dialogue all the way through btw…..

These so called Blockbusters ain’t ‘Alf largely Crap Mum. (An Andrew D of Cambridge is nodding...

CLOSE IT!

You see I have no idea why that heading came into my peculiar addled or even appled head, it just did. But having arrived in the mad crazy busiest city on Earth at the maddest craziest busiest time of year (Thanksgiving/Christmas), the last thing I needed was to have to change accommodation after a few hours (for reasons of abysmal bed abysmal smell in room abysmal area etc etc…). Still we managed less than 14 hours in that place and were in a very decent hotel just off Times Square, the Heart of the Huge Golden Delicious, the Middle of the Massive Macintosh, the Core of the Crab etc etc (many more Appley Affirmations Available on request)….

The refund was later received. Phew.

CLOSE IT!!

So let’s get one or two things of my chest. Firstly: SMELL Everywhere across the USA there is one smell on almost every street (ok there’s a lot of a Uriney Pong in places too) …and...

Ok starting to get pooped after long walks…this 67 yrs learning that you need a rest after a three hour walk, even in the rather historical and spectacular mini-metropolis that is Philly (not the cheese) Philadelphia founded a zillion years ago, formerly Top Spot in the US charts (way b4 the Philly Sound, though there is a Gamble & Huff Walk.)…huge LGBT scene and swanky Sonder “Unit” is Slap Mrs Bang centre of Red Light City….

The historical stuff is all about the Independence and Presidential Whatnot and Lots of statues (including a Rocky statue …. The famous steps in the movie are a rather major landmark it seems) and….. the Liberty Bell which doesn’t Bong Anymore.

Chinatown….lots of Dim Sum places….nearly made a mistake of ordering lunch at a Chinese Reflexology place, asking for a steamed neck massage, two spicy waxed legs and a foot bath, with tea…well they LOOKED edible..

I do...

Day 48 means 2 things for me 1) 3 days to go b4 my next march forth Virginia-wards, and 2) today is my first McDonalds of the trip. Amazing really …. And though the Golden Arches slogan states how much one is Lovin’ it, the truth Dear Reader, so you don’t have to search for flavour, is that there is no flavour whatsoever in a McDonald’s Breakfast Sandwich. Today’s consisted of a) a soft fluffy “biscuit” (aka a softish English scone b) a “folded egg” (aka bit of microwaved omelette) c) Some processed cheese (some processed cheese) and d) a sausage patty (a bit of totally tasteless turkey burger). The accompanying coffee (which I’ve always kinda enjoyed at the old farm owner’s place) was completely and remarkably flavourless.

It’s disappointing on so many levels but particularly because I could manage, and taste an EggMcTrouser post my cancer & heart ops, but now (maybe cos it’s dirt...

Yeah really. I’ve had to claw back (successfully as it happens) £138 so far (1. “Our Accounts System was faulty” and 2. “It was another room number, sorry”…no I did not bloody well have 5 Tropical Sunrises by the pool thank you very much).

As I write this bit I’m confused, cos I’m eating some Snack Club “Energizing Trail Mix” which is essentially raisins and salted peanuts confusingly mixed with smarties, aka M&Ms all confusingly convoluted and contained cunningly…er…to confuse. Oh well. I had the previous week been served some scrambled egg with toast and jam, and that confused me too. Americans seem to savour savoury and sweet….I’ve yet to try Fried Chicken on Waffles and Syrup, which is flipping everywhere I tell you, aka EVERYWHERE EVERYTHING ALL AT ONCE!

DIE YUPPIES it says graffiti scrawled on a toilet paper dispenser in Chicago’s Original Pancake House…

Well I’ve also seen...

Well I do declare, gotta be one of the top 3 purdee pretty States in all of the USA. Those New England colours and so vivid too, make the Kansas City Autumn “ahem, Fall” stunning everywhere you look! Being a guest of the fab Mike (four topics in per sentence) Minor, & Scott, in their equally stunning KC house and also in their lakeside hill-atop dwelling in the Ozarks, my own Ozarks have never felt so good!

So there was a bit of money money money please in the Silver Dollar Theme Park packed full of Buy Me food stores and souvenirs, wacky Wild West Saloon shows, a fabulous bluegrass band of OAPs (truly wonderful), plus a Steamboat Lake cruise thing in the last of the Summer Sun (b4 temperatures plummeted from 38 deg C to MINUS THREE on my departure day a week later) and the boat cruise was one of a host of a zillion Tourist Locations in local lake town Branson including Elvis...