May 2021

Travel, travel, travel! That’s what the WORLD is thinking about now…I know I am…desperate to make my amber a green, and my violet a Carson! (That’s for anyone REALLY OLD). Yup after a year of pandemic (still striking fiercely everywhere) and three months of, well, personal near death experiences (summary below), I wanna get well and Portillo myself to Europe, Get Biden over to USA to catch up on my fab friends there post Trumpety Trump, and then have a nice gentle Sundowner in Catalunya overlooking a rippling wave or ten. I’d also like to return to eating the Comestibles of California, the Nibbles of New York and the Tomatoes of Tomahawk.

Thing is, having to re-learn how to eat, what with most teeth removed and a jaw transplanted from my arm (due to Oral Cancer discovered in March 2021), my current mostly liquid diet with the odd egg, scrambled, not stirred is rapidly...

Well here’s NEARLY the start of my latest traveller’s tales across Corona Centrale, via initially Aeroplane (subject to British Airways Cough Control allowing us through Terminal Priti) across the States of Trump West to East via the Musical Hubs of Los Angeles, Nashville, Chicago and New York City amongst others….

Why the USA one might ask? Well, I like it, rather love it actually. People, places, attitude (mostly), creativity, generosity and most of all the Accents. You can take yer Welsh, Emmerdale, East ‘Am and Gorbals, give me most US tongues any day.

“Beez are always at the front”, said Martine of the LNER EAST COAST AZUMA train staff. The customary pre-sedentary scrum was about to take place as despite making “reservations”, the train company likes to have fun by not naming the carriages. (Ah, Beez Seez and Deez…..I get it).

This dear Reader is an interim Betwixt bloggage before returning to major Stateside activities in 2020, thus we involve UK travels, with a snatch of Parisien Eurostar poured in (myself and colleague and buddy on A French Pont):

But back to Yorkshireford. There are some expressions in our English language that can still warm the cockles. One, of course, is: “Welcome to the Skipton Train”. This is spoken in a mid-Kensington BBC announcer kind of accent, so consequently totally incomprehensible to the Yorkshire passengers contained within said vehicle…. still we made it, and I was indeed relieved to be back...

Pepe wants to apologise. Pepe grabs my hand laughing. Pepe says it’s been “one of those Sundays”. Oh really? How so Pepe? “Well first we ran out of sweetener, then the WiFi on the card machine stopped working…..” (more laughter) “Yes? Yes?” “And then…now we have no more Cafe Nero cards to stamp for you. I’m soooooooo sorry.” More laughter and genuine sympathy as he lets go of my now rather clammy hand.

Well, dear Reader, that’s the long and the short of it. Travel Life, despite now being an infrequent flyer, still largely involves torrid interactions at Railway Stations with, albeit rather fit, young chuckling future hopefuls soon to be Brexited away across Boris Borders.

2018 saw my return to “Business Class” British Airways European flying, just as Cattle Class but with three socks more foot room and a guaranteed one übercamp BA trolley dolly intent on flogging you Issey Miyake...

“Underwear, soiled on one tray, iPads and adaptors, post 1947, another tray, Post Modernist Impressionist Art, that bin over there, everything else wrapped up in an old beach towel covered in 6 month old Factor 40, follow me please!”

So declared Claire at Terminal S, Gatwick Airport, en route to my second set of trial flights this year, to Barcelona, Spain in a far off land named Europe. The bubbles are distinctly superior to Iceland Prosecco, while the “Yorkshire Frittata” is clearly Italian for Bradford Pea Omelette.

Sara has just insisted “we have a clean one” for our next glass of Castelnau Champagne, from Reims pronounced “Reims” in France, pronounced, “France”.

Here again are we, Dear Reader, on the pre-Brexit Chrexit Sunseeking Trail via British Airways, a company which may be banned from landing on Los Runwayos Españoles after we’ve been taken to Tusk through the Barnier...

“A large Latte with one sweetener please” . Primrose of AMT Coffee replied “that WILL be £3.60, though it WILL take 10 minutes….the machine’s on the blink.”

With this, dear reader, I present my latest long overdue instalment of Betwixt The Interim, a heartwarming and searing study into the foibles of this world, particularly in ones travels around in same.

In readiness for some late summer journeys to La Belle Macron, to visit my friend and cabaret partner “there’s no running water”, followed by El Sandy Sitges, con Los Muchos Poofos, y Los Grandes Gintonicos, I find myself mid Heatwave on a rarity, namely a Southbound Train to Brighthelmstone, a seaside last resort, and location for duggery of skull, enness of drunk, and selldate departed of drag, not to mention supplier of sticks of sweetness with Birhgton written all through, as ones teeth give way during consumption.

Ones desire...

It’s terrific really. Did 6 months plus travelling last year outside of the UK and not once did I have anything like the hilarious (NOT) experience encountered yesterday in Wintry Sussex. All I wanted to do was get an hour southwards to visit some friends and get some , uh, “fresh” air. Well I left at noon, and got there in time for sunset (pic attached at Post Foot). Three hours forty five minutes of travel on, wait for it, the Gatwick Express. Three trains and two buses each way. A lady said to me “It’s not like this in Croatia”.

Well.

In OTHER NEWS, I reacquainted myself with some suitably and traditionally camp British Airways trolley dollies in my first flights for 18 years.

To Spain, incidentally.

Compared with Life on the Ocean Wave, this rapid form of transport was shockingly ordinary compared with my memories of Airplane movies, Air Crash Investigation and Snakes on a...

Isn’t Life Strange? Where HAVE all the flowers gone? Should I stay, or, should I go? What DO you get when you fall in love, a guy with a pin to burst your bubble??

Eh?

What kind of fool am I? What’s NEW pussycat? WHAT becomes of the broken hearted?

HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE?

Where DID our love go? Why DO fools fall in love? Is she REALLY going out with him? Do YOU know the way to San Jose, & HOW can I be sure????

Look.

Is you is or is you ain’t my baby?

Eh?

What IS this thing called love?

Mind you,

What’s Love got to do, got to do with it?

Are you lonesome tonight? Voulez-vous coucher avec-moi?

Probably not, but, If you leave me NOW, you take away the Biggest part of me.

So, whether or not you stuck with me along for the ride during The Travels of Chrexit, 2017, Stay, Stay with me, baby, in 2018, and before you do, have a beautiful, peaceful, happy and loving end of 2017...

4. Life CAN be so simple.

My dear old cabaret partner of many years purchased a simple and welcome birthday present for my recent 61st: a pound of sausages.

I’m now thinking of getting my diabetic friend Susan a couple of Twixes for her 60th next month.

Saint Ochwell is my official residential location, a leafy building site in South West London, England (formerly, Europe). Thuswards I so choose to leave it whenever possible. Four Sainsbury’s, Two Lidl’s, Two Tesco’s, a mini Waitrose, an M&S and a Bar under a Bridge, called The Bridge, simply do not suffice. Everywhere sells Christmas trees from October onwards.

So, Dear Reader, I’m currently indulging in a Rothmans Silver in the rain under a heater to dry off the drops of occasional Sarf London Misery that has haunted me since my Blighty return. Poor moi, eh? So I’m getting in a few Travels Without My Aunt. Around the United...

Let’s face it.

Life is just a bowl of all bran (other equally emetic breakfast cereals are available). You pass through it daily and it returns the sentiment in full. I’m talking laxatively here, and, as one who has been travelling through an almost entire global circumnavigation without the need of any digestive clearance materials, eight whole weeks back in Blighty has already led your penster, Dear Reader, to the urgent necessity for both bowel and spiritual evacuation, largely due to the mass adoption in this country of

1) uber cynicism (not a defensive distrust of independent taxi services, by the way)
2) much chilli sauce soaked compressed lamb (it’s been a bit of a Doner Summer I must admit), and
3) verbal diarrhoea beyond ones wildest nightmares “there’s literally not a dry eye in the house”, oh thank you Sky Football Commentator (not to mention “The Very Best Deal For...