Betwixting The Ashes: Part Three “The Barmy Band played Tiddly Om, Pom, Poms”

Hi. It’s me again. It’s your friendly overseas traveller slowly losing his marbles but gaining a sun tan, so you don’t have to.

Well this part 3 of 4 takes us from Sydney to Melbourne for meeting with friends and the 4th Test of the 5 match Ashes series, and me hooking up with the legendary Barmy Army!!!

PLUS we have the hotly awaited results of the Best Australian Toilet Equipment Manufacturers Competition!!!!!!

Well THIS stage in proceedings starts chucklesomely enough….”1st Class” (aka 50 year old Intercity 125 train downgraded to 100 mph, remember Dear Reader?) 15 hour journey Brisbane to Sydney (think 12th class ANYWHERE ELSE) and meeting the lovely Jackie B and Mark for late night drinks …..with an early start for Melbourne my home for 3 weeks and Christmas, I check out at 6am and await the trainspotter in me to react to the chuff chuff for the journey to Victoria’s Not So Secret. Melbourne here we come! BUT SHUDDER HORROR. These trains are even OLDER ex UK clodhoppers with a “1st class” compartment of 3 people rammed together and me against a door and no view, just train fumes and nowhere to place baggage. I request to be downgraded to a seat in Economy Class (aka 11th) where at least I can breathe and see the outer Sydney suburbs flash by whilst waiting in the coffee queue for another coffee bag dipped in scalding water……we seem to be travelling through Warehouse County, with trees thrown in for good measure, pretty all the same. The long and the long of it is that the journey takes 2 hours longer (12 hours) cos of a “non functioning locomotive, but they designed these XPTs to run on one, so we SHOULD make it to Melbourne tonight. We’re offering free water in the buffet car….”.

My free water was washed down with three cans of Great Northern Lager over the next 7 hours.

What I’d give for a good hot bath and a rubdown with the Radio Times (©️Sir Terry Wogan RIP).

ANYWAY.

Btw. Should have said HARRY BATTER AND THE BRIZZER OF GABBA in the last Betwixt btw. But that’s BTB.

Well I’ve come to Melbourne at a stage where I’ve been away nearly 11 weeks and a wee bit of homesickness has set in. But I have 3 different pals here plus the Barmy Army will be my family for Christmas plus the 4th Ashes Test.

The last thing ANY SANE PERSON would have expected was that the homesickness and temperatures BELOW 15 degrees here in Melbourne (“oooooh poor you”-Real Ed.) might trigger a chest infection and grim cough, though thanks to Dr Gerry (the UK GP) I have some not out of date antibiotics which may help out. Hotel 1 is swish and one of the mates here, who is as mad as a box of wallabies, has taken me to a “Drag Panto Based On Hilarious Aussie Characters Kath and Kim”…. Didn’t get one joke but hey, it’s the thought that counts….

The THIRD Ashes Test in Adelaide started and I celebrated by grabbing my Covid Jab from a pharmacist! If England lost this one it would be three in a row out of 5 and therefore, Australia would retain the Ashes and me joining the Barmy Army Supporters Group soon here and New Year in Sydney would be to support our beloved team not losing TOO badly if they could win both.

Hmmmm.

So, cough cough splitter splutter splatter went a) my throat/chest b) the English wickets at the Adelaide Oval and c) the rough sleepers opposite Flinders Street Station….

It’s been a Melbourne of two halves, apart from the other really nice three quarters. What was that, Non-Existent Analyst? “Well I’d say you’ve learnt a lot about yourself. And A little more about being a Brit in Melbourne. And way too much more about Kath and Kim”

“Yeah that’s just what I thought”.

Oh and not to do something else while travelling, and that is fall out with an old UK mate despite his continued unapologetic absence from my “Blithe Life”. If that ever gets explained I’ll pay, dear Reader, for ALL of YOUR analyst’s fees!

But life goes on, I meet some lovely people including Ashley and Nathan at Melbourne’s oldest LGBT+ establishment and my dear friend Chris Pearson’s son Chris Pearson Jnr!

Then after quite a close game, watched on various TVs….. we lose against Australia.

The Ashes have been lost again. Down the pan. Gorn. Deceased. A dead cookaburra. If it hadn’t been nailed to the tree it woulda been pushing up the daisies, bereft of life and well and truly STIFF.

Downhearted? Lots of us Brits here are. Quite angry too. Still Christmas approaches and it’s time to join the Barmy Army in a new hotel and see what the final two tests will bring. Playing for pride and players’ and management’s jobs? Definitely. But I’m here so I gotta have FUN. Ho ho ho. Gotta. Must.

At least my Russian dissident Ivor Chestikov has departed.

Barmy Army meets in new vast corporate hotel bar? Some fab folks Phil and Terry, the Barmy’s trumpeter Finchy who played in my friend Robin Bibi’s band, the tour managers Neil and (cor) Matt, plus Daniel TMS Norcross our Christmas Eve and Day party host. Fun, nearly fantastic, and well merchandise was purchased ok?

Christmas Day party unofficial World record 1500 gathered for dinner drinks etc in Hotel Ballroom great fun and thanks to Neil plus Elgan (my seat neighbour at the MCG test too) and Richard, for genial and happy Christmas Day vibes!

THEN the Test Match. Mad mad mad all over in 2 days with an England VICTORY!!! Won’t go on about it here but the greatest joy ever for me at any sporting event. Even surpassing watching Wimbledon FC beat Liverpool in the FA Cup final at Wembley!

Hilarious Q&A that 2nd night at The Party with comical anecdotes from Poms Swannie and Tuffers, plus Glenn McG, a good egg and himself an astonishing cricketer.

Next day realise I’m burnt to a crisp…2 days sitting in a burning hot sun has turned my face into an even more distorted object of horror despite Factor 50+….. so all you out there: BEWARE!

Well it’s been an emotional rollercoaster my first Christmas Away From Home. As I leave lovely Melbourne, it’s hot hot hot and I’m covered with “Hello Vera” in the hope I lose my more Frankensteinian Features before joining Lucy and the girls for a Sydney New Year’s Eve!!!!

A Very Happy New Year to you all !!! See you hopefully in 2026!!!

Christoph December 2025
Melbourne

OH AND FINALLY ESTHER:

Most importantly to ALL of you I know is the Australian Award for Best Toilet Equipment Manufacturer, and the Klassy Khazi Award Goes To:

TORK GLOBAL!

That’s Life! GOODNIGHT. Xxx