BETWIXT GOES BARMY IN BANGKOK (& POTTY IN PATTAYA): What’s it all, a Baht Alfie?

We’ll gloss emulsion and no silk finish over 8 hours in Kolkata Airport voted the most pointless airport on Earth other than a place planes might take off from eventually, in my case, en route to Stage Two of this Megajourney THAILAND essentially to visit my most dear buddette Auntie Jo who lives two hours south of the capital Bangkok in a gentle coastal fishing village named Pattaya once nearly described by Trustpilot as Costa Brava On Crack.

Bangkok then? Landed, lovely if somewhat bouncy Thai Airways flight with luscious food and a surprising amount of Laurent-Perrier champagne as there were only two of us in Business.

Cab to hotel greets one with vast numbers of enormous characterless skyscrapers and motorways…..

Still, thankfully, my hotel in a fab area by the Lizard packed and Lake filled Lumphini Park….plus a gay bar strip where I behaved drank and mostly ate and watched a bit of cabaret too (no ping pong balls for me though….)

Very very very hot and the most humid place I’ve ever encountered….Skytrain Metro efficient but too many stations only stairs up I found….

Was a tourist for a few days not going inside of Royal Palace for Big Buddhas as it was way way too hot and busy…..(though I always preferred Buddha to Stork….ask yer grandma)

If I go on one more tourist river trip where they want to drop you at more Shopping Malls, I’ll sell all my non existent Prada and Cartier shares and stick to 7-11 (of which there’s millions in Thailand)….

Despite my local Bar Strip scam of £12 short on change on my last day, Bangkok generally rather nice and a huge functioning big big friendly city….modern fun with the few nice tall buildings (I had mocktails and fab food up one during sunset….)….

So I wrote:
Vast with much I didn’t see or want to

Very efficient transport but full full of stairs

Kinda pretty

Religion? Royalty? Lobbed at you in most places but plastic replicas of Buddhas won’t do…..Couldn’t care much a baht it here either way….

Lots of street vendors everywhere with cheap and tasty looking food

Do I like this hugeness and modernness skyscraperfullness? Nope but then who cares what I think (“Not Me” Non-Existent Ed.)

Glad I visited here? KINDA and really it is interesting and West Friendly!

Dr Pong is advertised on every bus…..

NEXT!

PATTAYA THEN …..DOWN ON THE COAST!!Auntie Jo present and correct opposite my hotel with beer!!!! This is her home town now and she’s thriving!!!! LOVES the Sports bars, quizzes, people (she knows tons!) vibe and weather….

Thoughts?

Central Pattaya is All Very Costa Brava 1965
Didn’t play arrows cos I left my darts in San Francisco….
Jo’s got a fab upmarket apartment….
Masssssssaaaaaaaaaaaaajjjjjjjjjjj…..more of that later!

Breakfast rather over extensive in my gaffe…..One person in my hotel had THREE BOILED EGGS, FOUR PANCAKES, an omelette, sweet and sour pork frankfurters AND Mash and beans for breakfast!!!!!! I was watching in horror…..

Variety of people here..old Brits fat (I’m owning the word) Brits fat old Brits Brits rich Brits oh and a few British families (not to mention a couple of Aussies)…. quite a few from India I’d say being tourists….loads of Indian restaurants but I ate great Thai food everywhere…..

Every single street is festooned with gaggles of 5-10 women all with matching pink sporty outfits all screaming “maaaaasssssssssaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaajjjjjj” as you pass…..

Still, there’s live music every night in half the bars (that’s about 200 Thai covers bands all playing Deep Purple or Eagles at deafening volume occasionally with my dear pal whom I’m visiting here Auntie Jo on guest vocals)….well her Sex Bomb went down a, er, storm……

Oh my Pattaya (North) old gay scene with loads of old gits (inc me) is going but starts super late so i missed it….

Down in South Pattaya is a lovely more gentle beautiful quiet beach and a strip of modern gay bars in a “Centre”…met my Cuz Jamie and a pal there and had some very civilised cocktails don’t ya know!

Cocktails BIG BIG BIG in Thailand….

The revelation is that you can jump on a passing Baht Bus costing 18p that takes you lots of different places sitting in the back of a rickety mini truck! Great stuff….

An hour or so away off the coast…..via a mini ferry…..there’s the island paradise of Koh Samed (Samed Villa). Aaaaaaaaaah.

AND FINALLY RELAX.

After a couple of days I never thought I’d feel again the calmness and beauty of planet earth that I felt on the Pacific islands of Bora Bora and Moorea…..with a few cocktails thrown in. This little Island just off the Bangkok Thai coast is the equal if not the superior. Think Paradise meets The White Lotus (Season 3 in parts) and add extra bliss…. I needed this much earlier (after surgery and COVID 2 years)…. In fact I reckon quite a lot of people do. Plus I praise the return to this blog of early stars Kimberly-Clark whose toilet machinery has improved especially in the dispensary dept.

My Cuz reappears here too and we have a gorgeous gentle couple of times….the sound of the waves is intoxicating and even the occasional baby throwing up in front of me at breakfast (delicious otherwise since you ask) doesn’t dampen my spirits whatsoever. 5 days fly by and peace is temporarily restored in my world….even some late night heavy duty club music from along the coast doesn’t worry me too much!

Kimberly-Clark’s new range seems to have exclusivity here and everyone knows how much I love a flowing loo roll. No sign of Dyson either, thank heavens!

So that’s Thai without any ribbon on any Olde Oak Ham (aka tree)….

A baht bus a slow ferry and a rapid cab take me back to the rather luxurious Thai business lounges at Bangkok Airport where I over indulge in Champers and superlative food before boarding my flight to the third section of my trip: Australia AND The Ashes!!!!

Oh my. But more of that soon dear reader.

Love Christoph xxx (November 2025)